I'm not sure how it happened...

Yeah I'm an adult now. Not quite sure how it happened and it kinda snuck up on me. Last weekend, one of the last vestiges of my youth fell away. I was asked to chaperon a high school house party. Now this in and of itself would not have been bad. I mean I could look at it as I'm young and hip and this is why I was asked. But no it was my behavior at the party that made me realize I'm now old. Now it was a party of 15-18 year old boys and girls. This basically means it was a house full of hormones. The other chaperons and myself were stationed in the kitchen which gave us a perfect view into the dancing room. The way these girls were grinding and maneuvering made me think they were taking pole dancing lessons. As Chris Rock once said his only job in life was to keep his daughter off the pole. This should be every parent's aspiration. If not for the scraps (yes scraps)of clothes they were wearing they would have just been screwing on the dance floor. If you have teenage daughters please tell them to cover themselves and don't forget to check thier purse or bag before they leave the house, it's not hard to sneak a pair of booty shorts out. So this must have provoked the mother in me (even though I don't have kids yet) I grabbed a mag lite and assumed the police officer pose. You know the one, maglite near your head, shining the light in their eyes all the while I'm telling them they need to knock it off before they get pregnant out on dance floor. Yeah I'm not so much cool anymore. :(

I sleepy, Part Deux

So I was off yesterday and this gave me a chance to finish Such A Pretty Fat (seriously if you just go out and buy a copy I may stop mentioning it) and as I was not interested in finishing the other book I was reading (Amy Tan's Saving Fish from Drowning, normally I love her work but this book is dragging) I decided to take a quick drive over to Barnes and Noble and pick up a few more books. After spending a few hours (yes hours, I love books and they have Starbucks, I could spend days holed up in there!) I purchased Stephanie Meyers The Host. Now if you're a follower of her work you know she wrote the Twilight Series (now being made into a movie, released on 12/12/08, thanks again to my book pusher for the recommend) which are fabulous books however I was a little leery about this one. Little too Sci-Fi for my tastes and seriously $18 for a book!? Even a consummate book lover like myself thinks this is ridiculous which is why I don't normally buy hardback. Anywho I like her writing style and it looked kinda interesting so I decided to give it a try. Fast forward through the rest of my afternoon which involved dropping a casserole dish (see what happens when I try and cook) and if that's not bad enough, slicing open the sole of my foot on said casserole dish. When I dropped the dish I happened to be texting a friend of mine and his helpful advice was close the wound with some super glue. Really? Guys, super glue and duct tape does not fix everything! Also Mike, if you're reading this I sooo did not take your advice. Again anywho we're still fast forwarding, because I broke the dish dinner was not happening so I picked up my kids and we hit up Wendy's drive thru (and no don't worry, I didn't suddenly have kids, my mom is out of town so I'm playing auntie mommy with my nieces and nephew) homework, bath time and bedtime followed and then I was finally able to settle down with my new book. And really all of this has led up to one thing, the book is frickin awesome, I was up until 230 reading it and once again only got about 3 hours sleep. So I sleepy but it was so worth it. Buy the book!

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's day to all my mommy friends out there! May the day bring you nothing but laughs, happy memories and good times with your families. Oh and presents, lots and lots of presents! Preferable sparkly shiny presents!

I sleepy!

Yeah mornings suck a little bit. OK to clarify it's not so much the mornings as the fact that my alarm went off at 5am and I had to go to work. Also it probably wouldn't have sucked so bad if I hadn't stayed up until 2am reading Such a Pretty Fat (have you picked up your copy yet?) Now that I'm officially old (yes I'm 30, I'd thank you not to mention it) I've found that I can no longer function with only 3 hours sleep. When I was 21 I could drink until 5, make it to work by 8, work a double and go out again that night, (yes I just told a back in the day story, the first sign of old age setting in) Now I find I can only make it through the day with the aid of a iced venti skinny vanilla latte with an extra shot of course. Now would also be a great time to give a shot out to my favorite barrista/drive thru attendant at my local Starbucks. I'm such an ass I've yet to get his name but he always remembers me, my drink and compliments me when I'm having a good hair/makeup/outfit day. Seriously what more do you need than a big cup of coffee and someone telling you that you look pretty today.

Listen up people, free is good!

So last night my hotel had the pleasure of being oversold by about 13 frickin rooms! Now normally I don't mind if we are a few rooms over, I mean walking people is not my favorite activity but you gotta do what you gotta do. Unfortunately we had a big group in that had a no walk clause in their contract so regardless of if their people show up or not we can't send them away. Anyways after a few cancels, a few no shows and some help from my morning crew we were down to just one room over. Great news! Walking 1 person compared to 13 is cake. Well then one of my brilliant sales managers decides he wants to make a reservation for a client of his. Nothing pisses me off more than a sales person who thinks of no one but themselves. You think it's no big deal walking someone then you come up to the desk and handle it buddy! He quickly is shown the error of his ways and decides to have his client come in on Friday instead. Once again its all right with the world. Then another asshat (what this is I'm not sure but Brooklyn is a fan of the word) sales manager puts another reservation in! Who are this idiots and why must I work with them!? Then I'm told that we can't boot this person out because they're with another no walk group so now I gotta walk 2 people!

So here is where my free is good speech begins. I realize all things free are not great. No I don't want a free kick to the head, but a free night at a 4 star resort is nothing to sneeze at! Throw in a couple free drinks and breakfast or dinner and you should be damn happy! This is not how the people I choose to walk last night felt. One couple could not believe we were doing this to them! "We drove all the way in from San Diego (whatever it's a 6 hour drive ) and we're exhausted (it's 7pm, man up) and now you're saying we don't have a room!" Ten minutes later I bought them a few drinks and they're on their way. I know drinking and driving bad but hey they asked I'm here to make people happy! Not much later our second lucky contestant walks up, not the brightest light bulb in the bunch, it takes me 20 minutes to explain that a) this is not a personal vendetta I have against her so please don't ask "why me" one more time, b) The hotel I'm sending you to isn't a whore motel on Van Buren (if you're from phoenix or ever been to phoenix you know this is where the whores hang out) it's a luxury resort and c) it's exit 34 off the freeway not 34 miles down the freeway! I finally get her in her car and on her way with typed directions yet she still gets lost. I spend the next 15 minutes on the phone with her guiding her in like a frickin air traffic controller. I know you're all jealous and wish you could be me. If you'd like to trade jobs, you know where to contact me.

I laughed until Diet Coke came out my nose...

So I was reminded by my book pusher friend Cambria that Jen Lancaster's new book comes out tomorrow. Few things in life give me the same happy buzz as a good book. It ranks right up there with a great first date (rarely happens), a butterflies in your tummy inducing kiss, a good glass of wine, a pretty pedicure with some crazy OPI shade (I'm Not Really a Waitress is my all time fav but Vodka and Cavier is a close second) a bottle of peche lambic (yay for Bevmo stores, cost $5 a bottle but so worth it), or spending a Sunday in bed with someone you love (it's been a LOOOONG time). I'm so excited!

Anyays this blog is dedicated to Ms Lancaster's newest marvel. If you haven't read the last two, please do yourself a favor and run right out and get them. Bitter is the New Black was so funny, I think I peed a little while reading it. She says what few people dare and at times is so bitchy even I'm shocked but it's hilarious. Bright Lights, Big Ass is great also but doesn't quite reach the same levels as the first book. I'm hoping Such a Pretty Fat can help reclaim some of the kick ass surliness of the first book. So in closing I'm gonna leave you with a note from the author (pirated off amazon.com) which I hope will make you run not walk to your favorite book store.

"To whom the fat rolls…I'm tired of books where a self-loathing heroine is teased to the point where she starves herself skinny in hopes of a fabulous new life. And I hate the message that women can't possibly be happy until we all fit into our skinny jeans. I don't find these stories uplifting; they make me want to hug these women and take them out for fizzy champagne drinks and cheesecake and explain to them that until they figure out their insides, their outsides don't matter. Unfortunately, being overweight isn't simply a societal issue that can be fixed with a dose healthy of positive self-esteem. It’s a health matter, and here on the eve of my fortieth year, I've learned I have to make changes so I don't, you know, die. Because what good if finally being able to afford a pedicure if I lose a foot to adult onset diabetes?"

I hate being a dumb girl

So I've kinda realized I'm a dumb girl at times. Case in point. The hotel I work at is going through it's yearly quality assurance audit today (KJ you know what I'm talking about) anyways I figure we're being audited I need a new outift. Now I know the audit has very little to do with my personal style. I'm aware that my auditor is not going to be the little bitchy queen from Project Runway telling me I don't look fierce and we fail. However I wanted to shop and this seemed a pretty good reason to do so! So let me tell you a tale about procuring said outfit.

As I'm leaving work last night I decide to swing by the mall. So it's like 8:20, stores close in about 40 minutes but that's plenty of time. There are fewer things scarier than my ass under florescent lighting in changing rooms so I don't try anything on. I'm a big fan of trying it on at home and then just returning the crap I don't want. Anyways I figure 40 minutes is plenty of time to grab a few things and get on my way home. So I get to the mall, park and as I always do pick up my phone off the passenger seat and throw it along with my car keys into my open purse. I get out and shut the door only to realize the damn purse wasn't open! My keys and phone fell off my purse and are sitting on my seat inside my locked car. Damn it! So I call my mother (her's is the only number I know by heart), who then calls my 2 cousins and they come riding to my rescue with a tool box, wire hanger and bbq fork. Gotta love a resourceful woman. We flag down a passing security guard who happens to have a slim jim and 10 mintues later using slim jim, fork and wire hanger I'm in my car again! Oh happy day that can be summed up in one commercial.

BBQ fork - $10
Wire hanger - $0
2 shirts, pair of pants and kick ass heels - $100
Having a lesbian named Tiger ogle your breasts while she slim jims your car - Priceless