Two weeks...

So it's two weeks til Christmas! Is anyone else feeling particularly rushed right now? I have done very little shopping, I've completed not one Christmas card (don't worry it's in the mail, you'll get it by New Year's) and I still have a mountain of Christmas cookies to bake! I swear I barely blinked and it was November, then that flew by and we're already two weeks into December.

I have accomplished one thing. I've gotten Christmas pictures of my niece! She turned six months old today! Pretty impressive for a baby they thought wouldn't make it a few months ago. And how is she you may ask? She is fabulous. As the following picture will attest to:



Cutest baby ever! She is doing so well, it brings tears to my eyes. Major milestones this week are she's eating out of a bottle now and almost rolling over. Still lots of work to be done, but she's come along way. Major props to Grandma(my mama) for loving her and encouraging her when her doctors said she may die and not to resuscitate if she did (bastards!), her therapists for coming by weekly to help her along, and all the doctor's, nurse's and medical professionals who gave us hope when hope was almost gone. And not to sound like a cheesy actor at an awards show but thanks to God for all he's given.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!!!

Twilight....

Ok so I must admit to being lame. This is a tough day for me. Julie is not often lame but I had a lame moment. I went and saw Twilight on opening day. No I was not one of the cracked out teens standing in line for a 2am showing but I did go. And what's worse is I left work early to go. Let me give you a little background.

If you didn't know Julie has a new job. BTW - LOVE MY JOB! It's crazy coming to work and enjoying what you do. Anyways when I was offered said job, I was told that all the ladies in the office were nuts over the Twilight series (thanks to me pushing it on them as it was pushed on me by CW) so they were going to close the office early on that Friday and have a group outing to see the movie! Seriously I love my job.

So here's the lame part, we sent someone over to the theater early to buy tickets. Then we devised a plan to cut out of a conference call early so we could make sure to get a good seat. About an hour before the show started I left to hold seats for the rest of the office. All of this for a teen vampire movie! Really Julie? Really? Aren't you 30?

Anyways this really all comes down to one thing. The movie was not the greatest. I raved about the book. I am personally responsible for half the females in my hotel reading the series. The movie fell really short. I'm lame and let down. Not cool. There is one bright spot. I am not the lamest of the lame. Two of the other ladies in my office have already seen it again with plans to return a third time. Once was enough thank you, I'll just wait for the DVD release.

Will you be my black friend?

I'm flipping through GQ (I know it's a guys magazine but really there is more to it than half naked pictures of Megan Fox) today and I came across an article titled "Will you be my black friend" so of course I have to stop and read it. The jist of the article was a white guy who realized that he's world was well extremely white. Actually I love the way he describes it:

"I thought: Jesus Christ, there are a lot of white people in this room. I’ve always thought of the whiteness of my adult life as a temporary condition. Like somehow all these white people have been foisted on me; pretty soon it’ll change; it’s probably my wife’s fault. But it’s time to acknowledge that I’ve become a character in a Wes Anderson movie. I wear white tennis sneakers from the ’70s. I listen to ambient music. I have dinner parties where I serve Spanish rosé and this softer version of mozzarella that has a lovely, almost liquid center that you can only get at the Italian import store. I do yoga, and I get excited when it’s ramp season. Sometimes I’d really like to punch myself in the face."

So when faced with a problem what do you do but find a way to fix it. His way of correcting the problem was to post an ad on craigslist entitled "Will you be my black friend?" Creative thinking but not the best way to go about making a friend, perhaps one of the best ways to get punched in the face though. Anyways the article actually goes on to talk about the racial estrangement that is America. Whites to whites, blacks to blacks, asians to asians and so on and so forth. And the fact that we're ok with it. So it got me to thinking, what the hell has this country come to? We're ok with segregation now? Is it ok now because we're doing it ourselves? Just because it's my choice it's ok to stay with my own "kind" now. That's bull people!

Now I count myself as one of the lucky ones. I have friends of all colors, shapes, sizes, orientations and ethnicity's. But what about my friends friends? I realized that I was some of my white friends (and Asian friends and Mexican friend) only black friend and technically I'm only half black! So really you have one half black friend? This does not make you very culturally diverse my friend. Take into account that I'm not nearly "black" enough for most black folks and you're screwed. Now don't get me wrong I'm not advocating going out and counting your black friends. And really would I prefer that when you look at me you just see Julie and not black Julie, of course but lets be real people (except you Steve I actually like that you refer to me as your hot black friend or Brian who refers to me as Chocolate Luscious) As a whole we're a prejudiced country, we see things in shades of black, white, red, yellow and brown. This is how we were raised and its a hard thing to break. As I was growing up I was always aware that my friends were usually two separate groups coexisting along side one another but never really touching. There was always my black friends and my white friends and while I was friends with them both, I could never be friends with them both at the same time and the same place. That's not the way it should be! When I have children (soon God willing cause I'm not getting any younger) I want them to be able to have a diverse group of friends and not worry that the groups don't mix. I want my kids to be able to listen to Kanye West and Tim McGraw and Michael Buble and not have people look at them crazy. Believe me it happens, people do not understand when a black chick karaokes Garth Brooks "Friends in Low Places". They should be able to enjoy a soft mozzarella without being thought pretentious and be able to wear Bass Weejuns (what are these anyway) and not accused or trying to emulate white. This is the world I'd like to pass on to them.

So in summary, white people go out and make a black friend, black people go out and make a white friend and hopefully one day they'll just be your friend. Peace out!

Kennedy? Really?

So I was having a conversation with Mama O'Neal last night and we got to talking politics. While I enjoy talking politics I must admit that I am not the most well informed person. I try, I really do, I read the news, turn on CNN periodically and skim Time and Newsweek but there's just so much chatter! Get to the point people, I ain't got all day! Anywho mama and i were talking and she told me she was going to vote for Obama but more importantly she hadn't decided to cast her vote since Kennedy. Really ma, Kennedy? You haven't voted in over 40 years? Granted its only every 4 years so that's like 10 missed chances but still. However I'm not really one to talk I've only voted once and really I was forced (Thanks Sally). Not so much forced but shown that if I'm gonna complain at the jackass in the white house maybe I should let my voice be heard. It occurred to me last night how much this year's election is affecting so many people. When all is said and done history will be made and I'm just glad to say I could be part of it. SO that being said, don't be lazy, go out and vote! Add to the chatter and let your voice be heard, cause if you don't you really have no reason to bitch over the next 4 years.

Better...

Life just got better! :) I got a new job! Beginning November 1st, I will no longer have to work nights, overnights, weekends or holidays and I get a raise! Still working for Marriott but now I'll be a Revenue Manager so no more managing people which while fun and rewarding gets tiresome at times. I may actually have a life. I'm so happy I may do a little dance. :)

NKOTB

That's right folks, New Kids are back and older than ever! So I know this is old news to most people however I was going through my emails today and came across a email from Travelzoo.com. Now if you don't know travelzoo, mostly it features discount packages on airfare and hotels and such. Since my hotel sometimes has specials on it I decided to sign up for emails. Now I never knew they also sent out specials on event tickets. Well I got an email with and "outstanding" offer on NKOTB tickets. It seems that the heartthrobs of my younger years are not selling the tickets that they used to. So instead of $50-$70 a ticket they've dropped the price to $20 for lower level seats. Now this hurts me. I used to love love love the New kids. I was a huge fan of Jonathon actually, although he never sang by himself and really can't carry a tune. Anyways I was discussing this with a few friends of mine and I've decided I'm going to the concert! I feel I need to do my part and support the boy-band now man-band in their quest to rediscover their youth. While I doubt this will be the concert of the century I'm sure it'll be a good time and I'll be sure to blog about it later. If the boys are in your area do you part and see a mediocre show! Peace out!

Ow. Ow. Ow. I SAID OW DAMN IT!

So I went to the dentist today. While I am a huge fan of the lovely smooth, slightly minty, thoroughly clean feeling you get after a check up, I've decided that I kinda hate dentists. They are the used car salesmen of the medical industry. About a week ago my crown fell off my tooth. Well to be more specific my $500 crown rotted off my tooth. They're not supposed to do that right? Since this happened at 5am on a Friday morning it was quite difficult to find someone who could fix it. What's up with dentists taking Fridays off? Why should they always get a 3 day weekend? Anywho I was able to find someone fairly close to my house that was open and could see me asap. Here's where the used car salesmen bit comes in. All I wanted was someone to pull my tooth. It was pretty much gone so there was no fixing it. Just yank that bad boy and let me get on with my day. "No can do ma am. You need to see an oral surgeon to take care of that, however while you're here maybe we should set you up for a root canal, a few fillings, a deep cleaning and some invisalign braces." Look buddy don't try and work me and my insurance over, just do what I ask and we'll see about the rest of that stuff that you think i "need". Since they couldn't help me they refer me to an oral surgeon who won't be open until Monday. So I spend that weekend with fragments of tooth that keep scrapping the side of my mouth. Not so much fun. First thing Monday I call and they of course don't accept my insurance. WTF? Why refer me there then? I make a few more calls and I find a surgeon that does take my insurance, doesn't require a referral and can see me in a few days.

The appointment today was pure hell. Dr Kootman had about as much personality as a bedpan, never once looked me in the eye and didn't like my slightly inquisitive nature. I'm sorry but if you're removing something from my body I'm gonna have a few questions. Biggest one being how much pain is this gonna cause and how bout we make sure it's as little as possible. He said he could take care of it right then and there though so let's do this. After a few shots of local he leaves me to numb up and get ready. Now I always try and have a book and my ipod with me. These are like security blankets for me they keep me calm. I put on a little Augustana and try to relax. Well Dr Jackass comes back in and starts chiseling around the tooth. OW OW OW. K so I'm not a DR but local kinda means it should be numb and not hurt right? As this is not so much the case can I get a few more shots please? Well I'm told that "the patient really shouldn't tell the doctor what to do". Really? Guess you're in for a surprise then jackass cause it hurts and you need to fix it before I kick you in the nads. I get a few more shots and a few more minutes to get numb. Round two is no better than round one, he starts chiseling, then yanking and then tells me he need to drill into the bone. OW OW OW I SAID OW DAMN IT! Bastard doesn't want to stop! Says he needs to just finish and get the tooth out. Julie don't play that. I literally have to hit his hand away from my mouth to get him to stop. Now I realize this probably won't endear me to the good doctor but I could care less. I'm in pain, shaking, crying and he's looking at me like I'm a lunatic. I finally get myself collected enough to finish but it still doesn't fill great. After he's done he writes a quick prescription for Loritab and hands me a instruction sheet and leaves the room. No are you ok, do you need anything nothing. After I'm able to collect myself I leave the room to pay my bill. To think it only cost me $187 to be treated like crap. What a bargain! Now my mouth hurts and the Loritab is making me nauseous. I hate dentists.

Lesson learned or just stupid?

Hola kids! So with my new found resolution to blog more often I thought I'd share a little story with you. A few nights ago I went to visit my niece in ICU after I got off work. Now if you know me, you know my normal work schedule is from 2pm until 11pm so by time I got to the hospital it was almost midnight. This works out fine because like her auntie, my niece is a night owl. Anyway after a little time spent cuddling and loving my little one I head home. Downtown Phoenix is by no means as dangerous as say Chicago's southside but it's not real safe with all the meth heads and such. So I'm stopped at the lights on Central Ave and I see 2 rather shady looking characters crossing 4 lanes of traffic heading straight towards me! Well as it was a balmy 85 degrees I had my windows down and the stereo up. Thank God for power windows cause 2 seconds later, a very scraggly looking gentlemen is knocking on my window. I'm all for helping people but there's helpful then there's just stupid. There is no way in hell I'm rolling my window down. To make matters worse the damn light was not turning green. So this guy keep knocking on my window and now his little friend joins him. Just a few days before I was at church and the sermon was all about community and helping people in need. So this got me to thinking that maybe this was a little test on how well Julie paid attention in church. If I have cash I will give a bit to transients but I've noticed that I am no longer a joyful giver. In fact I was becoming more and more of a bitter giver. Why are so many people always asking for a handout? Whether its friends, family or a stranger on the street some one's hand is always in my pocket and I'm broke! This is not the person I wanted to be. How can I deny someone else a hand up when I've really been pretty blessed in my life. So I rolled down my window a few inches and handed the guy a $5. I don't know if he'll buy food, booze or a hit but the thankful look on his face was enough for me not to care.

Now I tell this story to my mama and she thinks I'm an idiot. I thought I did a nice thing but she's afraid I was gonna get killed. So lesson learned or just stupid?

Really I'm not a slacker!

So I've been told by one of the few people that actually reads my blog that I should be ashamed for not updating it. I am ashamed! I have not done my duty and from now on I will make a greater effort to entertain the masses with my ramblings and opinionated nonsense. This one is for you Mrs Williams. :)

Anywho Julie has had a crazy couple of months lately but everything is finally starting to settle down. I recently moved into a new apartment which I love! I have an extra bedroom so please feel free to come visit. Actually feel free to come visit anytime after October 1st, my mother is staying with me until then so it may be a little crowded. :) I also have a new little niece who has had to overcome many hardships within the her relatively short life. She is now 3 months old and in those short 3 months she's already had 3 surgeries, a blood clot in her leg and countless needle pokes and other unpleasantness. For the past 2 and a half months she has been living in at St. Josephs hospital in the PICU unit. She will finally be able to come home sometime this week and I'm overjoyed! I'd like to take a moment to thank all the wonderful doctor's and nurses at St Joes. They are really phenomenal people who excel in their positions. Thank you also to all the folks who have included her in your thoughts and prayers. It has meant more to me and my family then you'll ever know. She is the most beautiful little creature and I love her so much it's ridiculous. I've attached a picture for your viewing pleasure, feel free to oooh and aaah to your heart's content.





So on to other news. I had the pleasure of seeing Carlos Mencia in concert on Friday. I gotta say I love him! Carlos for President! If you've never seen his stand up or only seen Mind of Mencia, you are missing out. I have the utmost respect for comedians because for small stretches of time they allow you to forget your worries and problems and just laugh. Now lots of people seem to think he's crass, idiotic and politically incorrect. I will give you the politically incorrect and yes he is fond of dropping the "F" bomb but the man is not an idiot. He takes great delight in making fun of the idiots of the world and says the things that every thinks but no one has the balls enough to say. Do yourself a favor and see his show if he ever visits your city. Speaking of comedians I also saw Eddie Izzard a few months back, another top notch show. I laughed so hard my stomach hurt for days. Why do sit ups when you can laugh?

Ok I feel I have done my duty and I will try and make sure I continue to update you all on the randomness that is my life. Love ya! Peace out!

Men or better titled who are these asshats and why are they attracted to me?

Hola kids! Once again long time no see. I swear I'm gonna get better about blogging just as soon as my life gets under control. So on to the story of the day

It seems I've acquired another admirer. Now a few years ago I prayed to God to send me a tall sweet handsome man preferably with a steady income and an accent. Obviously I needed to be a little more specific cause what I got was Peter. A 6'5 Russian who worked my last good nerve. If you have not heard the stories, just ask I'll be happy to share. Since that ended a few months ago I decided to renew my prayers and I've been sent another gem who will remain nameless since he also happens to work with me. I think my prayers were once again a little garbled cause I was sent a 6'0 lying German! The tall part is getting taken care of we just need a little work on the rest. If you're wondering, accents of choice are English, Scottish and Irish and maybe Australian.

I should give you a little background though to bring you up to speed. As a rule Julie is not a big fan of dating work folks. It almost always leads to trouble, tension and the desire to run screaming from your workplace however he has nice eyes and my BFF Autumn is always telling me I need to stop being so picky and go out more. Anywho I've had the pleasure of knowing said gem for the last 8 years or so. When we first met he was married and unfortunately that didn't work out or so he said. I give him my number because what the hell, I can have a cup of coffee and if nothing happens at least I tried right? So a conversation or two later, nothing really happens but something just felt off. He seemed to call only while he was at work and only on his cell phone. Now I know lots of people don't have home phones but still. Anyways I was out for some much needed adult beverages with some co-workers when the topic of men who lust after Julie came up. Well if you read my blog you know I have another admirer at work so it was brought up that "why don't you date him Julie he loves you?" Again people HE'S FRICKIN MARRIED! So I put the kibosh on that one real quick and went back to enjoying my Blue Moon. But no they thought it would be hilarious to decide who amongst our work folks would be suitable for me to hook up with. So my new little friend came up. Now I don't say anything cause no one needs to know my business and I must admit I'm a little curious as to what others have to say about him. Well first and foremost HE'S FRICKIN MARRIED! Secondly he's been hitting on all the women in the sales office. OK who did I kill in a past life? Who's karma am I paying for? Do I only attract married men and weirdos?

As you can imagine I'm pretty pissed off. So I decide to confront the loser. And yep he's married. He says he told me, I say bull shit cause there ain't no way something like that is slipping my mind. This is a non negotiable for Julie, there's no way he could have slipped that in and I would have been like oh ok well that's alright! His excuse is I don't love her but I don't have a green card and don't want to be deported. WTF? Seriously guys, dating blows.

Say what now?

So I've been away a while. Not that I've actually gone any where I just have not had the pressing desire to blog lately. Lots of stuff has been happening in the realm of Julie and its kept me from my peeps. Anywho thought I'd share a pet peeve of mine today.

So I'm standing at the front desk (yes again) and we've had another of our delightful tour groups check in. Now Julie loves all people but I gotta say French folks work my nerves. I don't mean to over generalize but Frenchies are rude and kinda hard headed. I shouldn't have to say 5 times "Je ne parle pas le français" which I dutifully researched and means I don't speak french dumb ass! OK so maybe not dumb ass but close enough. If I ever have the great fortune to be able to travel Europe, out of common courtesy I plan on learning a few basic phrases in each language. I know this is gonna make me sound like an arrogant ass American but if you're gonna visit please pick up a few words so I'm not blankly staring at you trying to grasp one of the two hundred words streaming from your mouth extremely quickly.

Thank you, Merci, Ringraziarla, Gracias, Vielen Dank, Obrigado! :)

I'm not sure how it happened...

Yeah I'm an adult now. Not quite sure how it happened and it kinda snuck up on me. Last weekend, one of the last vestiges of my youth fell away. I was asked to chaperon a high school house party. Now this in and of itself would not have been bad. I mean I could look at it as I'm young and hip and this is why I was asked. But no it was my behavior at the party that made me realize I'm now old. Now it was a party of 15-18 year old boys and girls. This basically means it was a house full of hormones. The other chaperons and myself were stationed in the kitchen which gave us a perfect view into the dancing room. The way these girls were grinding and maneuvering made me think they were taking pole dancing lessons. As Chris Rock once said his only job in life was to keep his daughter off the pole. This should be every parent's aspiration. If not for the scraps (yes scraps)of clothes they were wearing they would have just been screwing on the dance floor. If you have teenage daughters please tell them to cover themselves and don't forget to check thier purse or bag before they leave the house, it's not hard to sneak a pair of booty shorts out. So this must have provoked the mother in me (even though I don't have kids yet) I grabbed a mag lite and assumed the police officer pose. You know the one, maglite near your head, shining the light in their eyes all the while I'm telling them they need to knock it off before they get pregnant out on dance floor. Yeah I'm not so much cool anymore. :(

I sleepy, Part Deux

So I was off yesterday and this gave me a chance to finish Such A Pretty Fat (seriously if you just go out and buy a copy I may stop mentioning it) and as I was not interested in finishing the other book I was reading (Amy Tan's Saving Fish from Drowning, normally I love her work but this book is dragging) I decided to take a quick drive over to Barnes and Noble and pick up a few more books. After spending a few hours (yes hours, I love books and they have Starbucks, I could spend days holed up in there!) I purchased Stephanie Meyers The Host. Now if you're a follower of her work you know she wrote the Twilight Series (now being made into a movie, released on 12/12/08, thanks again to my book pusher for the recommend) which are fabulous books however I was a little leery about this one. Little too Sci-Fi for my tastes and seriously $18 for a book!? Even a consummate book lover like myself thinks this is ridiculous which is why I don't normally buy hardback. Anywho I like her writing style and it looked kinda interesting so I decided to give it a try. Fast forward through the rest of my afternoon which involved dropping a casserole dish (see what happens when I try and cook) and if that's not bad enough, slicing open the sole of my foot on said casserole dish. When I dropped the dish I happened to be texting a friend of mine and his helpful advice was close the wound with some super glue. Really? Guys, super glue and duct tape does not fix everything! Also Mike, if you're reading this I sooo did not take your advice. Again anywho we're still fast forwarding, because I broke the dish dinner was not happening so I picked up my kids and we hit up Wendy's drive thru (and no don't worry, I didn't suddenly have kids, my mom is out of town so I'm playing auntie mommy with my nieces and nephew) homework, bath time and bedtime followed and then I was finally able to settle down with my new book. And really all of this has led up to one thing, the book is frickin awesome, I was up until 230 reading it and once again only got about 3 hours sleep. So I sleepy but it was so worth it. Buy the book!

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's day to all my mommy friends out there! May the day bring you nothing but laughs, happy memories and good times with your families. Oh and presents, lots and lots of presents! Preferable sparkly shiny presents!

I sleepy!

Yeah mornings suck a little bit. OK to clarify it's not so much the mornings as the fact that my alarm went off at 5am and I had to go to work. Also it probably wouldn't have sucked so bad if I hadn't stayed up until 2am reading Such a Pretty Fat (have you picked up your copy yet?) Now that I'm officially old (yes I'm 30, I'd thank you not to mention it) I've found that I can no longer function with only 3 hours sleep. When I was 21 I could drink until 5, make it to work by 8, work a double and go out again that night, (yes I just told a back in the day story, the first sign of old age setting in) Now I find I can only make it through the day with the aid of a iced venti skinny vanilla latte with an extra shot of course. Now would also be a great time to give a shot out to my favorite barrista/drive thru attendant at my local Starbucks. I'm such an ass I've yet to get his name but he always remembers me, my drink and compliments me when I'm having a good hair/makeup/outfit day. Seriously what more do you need than a big cup of coffee and someone telling you that you look pretty today.

Listen up people, free is good!

So last night my hotel had the pleasure of being oversold by about 13 frickin rooms! Now normally I don't mind if we are a few rooms over, I mean walking people is not my favorite activity but you gotta do what you gotta do. Unfortunately we had a big group in that had a no walk clause in their contract so regardless of if their people show up or not we can't send them away. Anyways after a few cancels, a few no shows and some help from my morning crew we were down to just one room over. Great news! Walking 1 person compared to 13 is cake. Well then one of my brilliant sales managers decides he wants to make a reservation for a client of his. Nothing pisses me off more than a sales person who thinks of no one but themselves. You think it's no big deal walking someone then you come up to the desk and handle it buddy! He quickly is shown the error of his ways and decides to have his client come in on Friday instead. Once again its all right with the world. Then another asshat (what this is I'm not sure but Brooklyn is a fan of the word) sales manager puts another reservation in! Who are this idiots and why must I work with them!? Then I'm told that we can't boot this person out because they're with another no walk group so now I gotta walk 2 people!

So here is where my free is good speech begins. I realize all things free are not great. No I don't want a free kick to the head, but a free night at a 4 star resort is nothing to sneeze at! Throw in a couple free drinks and breakfast or dinner and you should be damn happy! This is not how the people I choose to walk last night felt. One couple could not believe we were doing this to them! "We drove all the way in from San Diego (whatever it's a 6 hour drive ) and we're exhausted (it's 7pm, man up) and now you're saying we don't have a room!" Ten minutes later I bought them a few drinks and they're on their way. I know drinking and driving bad but hey they asked I'm here to make people happy! Not much later our second lucky contestant walks up, not the brightest light bulb in the bunch, it takes me 20 minutes to explain that a) this is not a personal vendetta I have against her so please don't ask "why me" one more time, b) The hotel I'm sending you to isn't a whore motel on Van Buren (if you're from phoenix or ever been to phoenix you know this is where the whores hang out) it's a luxury resort and c) it's exit 34 off the freeway not 34 miles down the freeway! I finally get her in her car and on her way with typed directions yet she still gets lost. I spend the next 15 minutes on the phone with her guiding her in like a frickin air traffic controller. I know you're all jealous and wish you could be me. If you'd like to trade jobs, you know where to contact me.

I laughed until Diet Coke came out my nose...

So I was reminded by my book pusher friend Cambria that Jen Lancaster's new book comes out tomorrow. Few things in life give me the same happy buzz as a good book. It ranks right up there with a great first date (rarely happens), a butterflies in your tummy inducing kiss, a good glass of wine, a pretty pedicure with some crazy OPI shade (I'm Not Really a Waitress is my all time fav but Vodka and Cavier is a close second) a bottle of peche lambic (yay for Bevmo stores, cost $5 a bottle but so worth it), or spending a Sunday in bed with someone you love (it's been a LOOOONG time). I'm so excited!

Anyays this blog is dedicated to Ms Lancaster's newest marvel. If you haven't read the last two, please do yourself a favor and run right out and get them. Bitter is the New Black was so funny, I think I peed a little while reading it. She says what few people dare and at times is so bitchy even I'm shocked but it's hilarious. Bright Lights, Big Ass is great also but doesn't quite reach the same levels as the first book. I'm hoping Such a Pretty Fat can help reclaim some of the kick ass surliness of the first book. So in closing I'm gonna leave you with a note from the author (pirated off amazon.com) which I hope will make you run not walk to your favorite book store.

"To whom the fat rolls…I'm tired of books where a self-loathing heroine is teased to the point where she starves herself skinny in hopes of a fabulous new life. And I hate the message that women can't possibly be happy until we all fit into our skinny jeans. I don't find these stories uplifting; they make me want to hug these women and take them out for fizzy champagne drinks and cheesecake and explain to them that until they figure out their insides, their outsides don't matter. Unfortunately, being overweight isn't simply a societal issue that can be fixed with a dose healthy of positive self-esteem. It’s a health matter, and here on the eve of my fortieth year, I've learned I have to make changes so I don't, you know, die. Because what good if finally being able to afford a pedicure if I lose a foot to adult onset diabetes?"

I hate being a dumb girl

So I've kinda realized I'm a dumb girl at times. Case in point. The hotel I work at is going through it's yearly quality assurance audit today (KJ you know what I'm talking about) anyways I figure we're being audited I need a new outift. Now I know the audit has very little to do with my personal style. I'm aware that my auditor is not going to be the little bitchy queen from Project Runway telling me I don't look fierce and we fail. However I wanted to shop and this seemed a pretty good reason to do so! So let me tell you a tale about procuring said outfit.

As I'm leaving work last night I decide to swing by the mall. So it's like 8:20, stores close in about 40 minutes but that's plenty of time. There are fewer things scarier than my ass under florescent lighting in changing rooms so I don't try anything on. I'm a big fan of trying it on at home and then just returning the crap I don't want. Anyways I figure 40 minutes is plenty of time to grab a few things and get on my way home. So I get to the mall, park and as I always do pick up my phone off the passenger seat and throw it along with my car keys into my open purse. I get out and shut the door only to realize the damn purse wasn't open! My keys and phone fell off my purse and are sitting on my seat inside my locked car. Damn it! So I call my mother (her's is the only number I know by heart), who then calls my 2 cousins and they come riding to my rescue with a tool box, wire hanger and bbq fork. Gotta love a resourceful woman. We flag down a passing security guard who happens to have a slim jim and 10 mintues later using slim jim, fork and wire hanger I'm in my car again! Oh happy day that can be summed up in one commercial.

BBQ fork - $10
Wire hanger - $0
2 shirts, pair of pants and kick ass heels - $100
Having a lesbian named Tiger ogle your breasts while she slim jims your car - Priceless

Men in speedos

So today's topic was going to be "why I hate skinny little french women with too much attitude" but then I saw something that needed to be addressed. So I'm standing at the front desk (yes par usual) and walking through my lobby was something that has disturbed me for a very long time. European men in speedos! I mean why? I don't care who you are it's not attractive. If you know me at all, you know I have love for a certain Mr Hugh Jackman but even he can't pull it off. See?

Not hot Hugh not hot at all. But I'm willing to overlook it because in most other arena's he's always so put together (we'll just forget about Van Helsing and that awful weave). Unfortunately the men in my lobby today did not even have the grace to look like that, instead this is what I was treated to.

And a little bit of this.

The only positive thing to come of this was the fact that I laughed so hard I forgot about the aforementioned french bitch. But please gentlemen if you're reading this blog and you own a speedo, burn it with all possible haste. If it's not hot on Mr Jackman I'm pretty sure it's not hot on you.

Really? REALLY?

So something about me must say, "please proposition me I'd love to be your mistress"! So I work with a guy (who will remain nameless though he's a jackass) who thinks its a good idea for us to get together. Normally I'd be flattered, I mean everyone wants to be thought of as attractive right? Only one small issue, he's freaking married! Ok two small issues I learned along time ago never to get involved with a co-worker, it does not end well. But the bigger issue is HE'S FREAKING MARRIED!!!!! Even worse he doesn't understand why I think this is a big deal. Really? REALLY? He figures that if he keeps asking then maybe just maybe I'll cash in my values that day and say yes oh please I'd love to do you in some seedy motel where no one knows me. Granted Carrie did it on Sex and the City but that was Mr. Big for crying out loud, (Can I say how excited I am about the SATC movie coming out in May!) not some broke down pathetic little man who fancies himself rico frickin suave! Ok so I'm no angel, I've broken up a boyfriend/girlfriend realtionship before (yeah low point in Julie O's life) but come on man have a little respect for the sancitity of marriage. Any self respecting woman or man out there should want better than to play second string. You stood before God and you're family and vowed to love and respect someone for the rest of your life, let's try and do that shall we? Sad thing is this is not the first time and I'm sure it won't be the last something like this happens to me. I hate being single.

Insomnia or better titled only at 3am do I really believe I need a Ronco Frydaddy.

So I can't sleep. Which should be pretty obvious since I'm posting a blog at 340 in the morning. Insomnia has to be one of nature's most stupidest inconveniences. For no apparent reason you lay awake all night and watch the clock thinking if I fall asleep now I'll get 6 hours, then 5, then 4 and then you might as well get up. So what do you do, you hop online, read a book or turn on the TV. There really should be better TV on at 2 am. Honestly what genius decides that the best time to sell a Frydaddy, a dehydrator, or some acne cream is 2am? Wouldn't these companies be better served if they advertised during normal hours? However I've never had a stronger urge to purchase any of this crap then when I'm lying in bed and can't sleep so maybe they're on to something. No real point here other than me hoping this will help me fall asleep but not so much. Oh well, back to bed.

I really don't like people...

So I kinda decided I really don't care for most people. I love my group of friends and family well most of my family but even some of them I don't really like. So still at work and still bored, I decided to hop onto one of favorite websites addictinggames.com and play a few rounds of Drunken Master. If you haven't tried it you really should, it's an excellent waste of time. Anywho no sooner do I start playing, I'm interrupted. My concierge (God love her, she annoys the crap out of me sometimes) is all in a tizzy because someone left the gift shop without signing their room charge. So I suggest she call the room and offer to bring the receipt up for them to sign (yep this is why i get paid the big bucks). Well assmunch in the room says he didn't charge anything in the shop so she comes back for Plan B. I send a bellman up to the room with her to see if he can sign it but assmunch refuses to come to the door! Oh well we have a name and a room number I authorize the charge and attempt to return back to my Drunken Master. But can that be the end of it?! Nope, little Ms Assmunch decides to come down ranting and raving about how she was disturbed by our bellman and how dare we send someone to the room. Now normally it's my job to just sit back, slap a serene look on my face and take it, however in this instance Assmunch is an associate. Because of this I am authorized to tell dumb ass to control his woman or I'll be happy to take it up with his manager. Long story short Mr and Ms Assmunch calm down and continue on their merry way but not before my concierge verifies that they were not the one's to make the purchases in the shop. Well now I'm pissed first cause I should be enjoying my game while listening to the cool styling of Sade in my lobby and second cause now I have to write off $150 to bad debt because we unfortunately can't find the guy who actually made the charges. Why are people jackasses? Why most they take advantage? I once again try to return to my game but it doesn't hold the same joy. Then I stumble upon the blog of an old friend, well acquaintance, ok I barely knew him but that's besides the point. He is by far the funniest guy I've ever met. I took a few moments to catch up on his blog and all is right with the world again. People passing through my lobby thought I was nuts for cracking up for no reason but I'm happy again. Everyone should have the chance to laugh so hopefully Bryton won't mind if I point you in the right direction. Enjoy! http://microsuede.blogspot.com/

Wasting away

So I'm standing at the front desk as I often do and I get an email from some dear friends (shout out to Cambria and Sally) stating they created blobs and decided I needed to create one as well. Now everyone can enjoy my randomness. Topic for the day. Overpaid and underchallenged. If you're one of my friends and you probably are cause who else is gonna read this crap, you've heard me rant about the fact that I'm getting paid a decent salary to stand around and do nothing. This I do not understand. The company I sold my soul to about 12 years ago is currently in "contigency". Now this is just a fancy word that means not enough money is flowing to the bottom line and their already fat pockets. So what do we do. Well you gotta trim the fat right? Now to me that would mean maybe not having so many damn managers (why we need 17 is beyond me), but what that means to them is cutting back on associate hours and making thier managers (namely me) pick up shifts and waste a perfectly beautiful Saturday! I could be outside, I could be at the movies, I could be sleeping! Instead I'm here entertaining myself by ranting to the masses. As I'm prone to say often "That's just stupid!"
Just wanted to share, have a lovely day!